Debris

Yesterday was stressful for me. Because of work more than anything else. I'm not sure what instilled my fear of getting in trouble or doing something wrong as a child, but it may benefit me to find out. Obviously the average person doesn't like to be criticized or to simply do something incorrectly. But I feel like my fear of this is extreme. I obsess. I self-depreciate. I loathe. I wallow. And, it takes over my life.

Just like the day after the storm, you have to go pick up debris and branches, I feel like I need a day to recover and clean-up too. As much as I would like to follow the mantras "it's a new day" or "there's nothing you can do about it," my mind is sure to recycle those bad thoughts into the next day. So, what now?

What do I do when sitting at work makes my skin crawl? What do I do when my anxiety is so bad I can feel my heart beating faster by just being here?

Maybe this is where the small amount of meditation I learned comes into play. Maybe I need to force myself to be aware of my breathing, or count slowly, or be mindful. While these are likely ideas that would benefit me, I find it difficult to pay attention to my mind when it feels like my mind is to blame for the constant reminder of my troubles.

I think for now, I'll keep my head down and work. No down time may make the day go fast. And being at home seems to help sometimes.