But What About Me?

Today has been extremely busy. I've been the only one at work. I'm excited that we are almost at the weekend, but I don't want to wish it away. I get so excited for the weekend. Not to be cliche, but I almost live for it. Christmas is coming so quickly this year. I hate that the season starts even before Thanksgiving is over, but I feel like we should push Christmas to the end of January, so we can take a minute to enjoy the holidays. Today I'm feeling thankful for what I have. I did really well in my two classes for the semester. I had a required meeting with my instructor yesterday, and he said he wouldn't question my academic ability for a second. He told me I should be proud of my final grade in the course. When I said thanks, he told me it sounded rehearsed. He also mentioned that I need to take risks, be confident, and not be so cautious. How it is that others have more faith in us than ourselves? I wonder how that happens. I wonder if it is more likel...

I've been really frustrated with work lately. I feel like I have so much on my plate. I've been frustrated with a lot of things. Even yesterday, I gave Raquel the power to determine my worth. If she wasn't paying attention to me, I was worthless. I don't know how I can do that to myself, and it makes so much sense all in the same. I'm hoping I find some positivity in the day, because this negativity is going to make the day go very, very slowly. I'm so excited to go home today. I don't even know why. I think I'm getting to the point where I feel deflated at work. Nothing feels motivating. It's just a never-ending race to process anything and everything. Some days, I don't mind it. Others, it makes me feel lost and like a waste. I know I can do more, but being here to finance my education is a no-brainer. I guess I should be grateful that I have this option. A couple years ago when I was trying to leave my job and go back to school, this ...

I'm feeling that lack of ambition that an adult has when time off work is on the horizon. It's almost like my body is more tired because it knows I'll soon be able to sleep in. I'm so excited to be away from work and be in LA, but I'm doing my best not to wish it away. After three posts, I already broke the promise to myself in posting everyday. Being away for the weekend, then having busy days at work sent my priorities with myself awry. But these are all excuses, right? I'm back to my old self, avoiding the fact that I do need time for me, and that it is important. This weekend, Raquel and I went to an ugly sweater party at Lyss's. We were shocked at how many people came and are still pretty in awe at even having that many friends. It seems hard to keep in touch these days. People have their own full lives and more important obligations. Obviously, it is enjoyable to catch up, but I dread the thought of making a plan. I find myself just wanting to ...

This morning, on the way to work, I felt happy that it was Friday and almost the weekend. My mind seems to be moving nonstop. Daydreaming is a constant. Adults aren't supposed to have an imagination, for them it would be creativity, but I'm pretty sure I'm an exception to the rule. I feel really happy in my relationship. I still get excited to come home. I am still worried to lose her (that should be a good sign, right?). With her is where I feel at home. I think I want to get married. I've found myself lately just feeling comfortable with bigger steps, like marriage, a house, or kids, and I'm not sure why. Maybe I feel security even though my mind isn't fully unconvinced? I also just think about us looking at each other and smiling, or dancing at a bar and looking so dumb. She would never be uninhibited enough to do that, but I can dream, right? Usually, these dreams have an invisible haze, one you can't see but you know it's there, that really...

Yesterday was stressful for me. Because of work more than anything else. I'm not sure what instilled my fear of getting in trouble or doing something wrong as a child, but it may benefit me to find out. Obviously the average person doesn't like to be criticized or to simply do something incorrectly. But I feel like my fear of this is extreme. I obsess. I self-depreciate. I loathe. I wallow. And, it takes over my life. Just like the day after the storm, you have to go pick up debris and branches, I feel like I need a day to recover and clean-up too. As much as I would like to follow the mantras "it's a new day" or "there's nothing you can do about it," my mind is sure to recycle those bad thoughts into the next day. So, what now? What do I do when sitting at work makes my skin crawl? What do I do when my anxiety is so bad I can feel my heart beating faster by just being here? Maybe this is where the small amount of meditation I learned comes...

Typically blogs are created at a time of total trauma, during a spat of inspiration, or when having a mini-mid/quarter life crisis, but you don't have the energy to actually acknowledge the crisis. The latter is why I'm starting this blog. I'm currently working full-time and enrolled in grad school for professional counseling full-time as well. I have a girlfriend, a dog, and two estranged cats I miss dearly. Thoughts of not having enough time oddly enough, consumes a lot of my time. I've found myself in a position of to-do lists, expectations, and increasing responsibilites. After a class that focused on mental health, self-awareness, and being mindful, I've succumb to the concept that we do all need time for ourselves. Selfish, no rationalization needed, and unapologetic time for myself. This blog is going going to be just that for me. I'm detailing this information because this first post is the promise to myself that I will write for the next 365 day...